Encouraged by both my daughter, Julia and daughter-in-law, Grace, I enrolled in an eight-week End-of-Life Doula course. It is given online by the University of Vermont. The demand for death doulas has grown exponentially as the need for holistic end-of-life support has grown. A doula is a non-medical companion, an ally, a buoy for a client, their friends, family and hospice workers through a client’s death.

Not just because I am in my dotage, my interest in dying and bereavement started the day I landed on the planet. I was born out of grief, ten months after my baby sister Harriet died. My good health and living in a democratic country was tempered by epigenetic trans-generational trauma from my refugee parents. I spent years in therapy reconciling this conflict.

Obsessed with death. That​’s what my husband, Doug, says about me. I have been reading The New York Times obituaries on a daily basis since I was in my mid-twenties. Each is a spirited little capsule that captures a life, often making evident the essence of someone who did something productive on behalf of others. For the most part, I read obituaries because they are inspiring celebrations and reminders of how a person touched others and made a difference in this world. 

In March 1999, when I edited SELF magazine, I published a special report on the good death movement with the goal of facing a fear and lessening anxiety for our readers. It was not met with interest by either advertisers or management. I took courses in the history of cemeteries and provided some kind words at too many funerals.

All that said, the lessons from the doula course were transformative and valuable for everyday living: practical, meaningful and stress-relieving. Here’s one:

Often when I’ve moved into another phase of life, I needed to be assured that I mattered, still. I was concerned that I would be unknown for the person I wanted others to see. For me, it showed up as feeling alone. I learned as a doula, being present, is the work. And when you are present for another, you are not alone.