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7.10.24

Time To Get Over It—Rochelle Udell Says No

Time To Get Over It — Rochelle Udell Says No

It took me fourteen years to process my fathers death so that I could actually begin to say goodbye to him, and I did it in a dream. The dream: My father and I are on a small, old yellow bus traveling down a dusty road in a warm, sunny yet desolate place. The bus stops. I get off; my father doesnt. I wave as the bus drives away. In my End-of-Life Doula course, I learned that this is delayed grieving. When my sister was dying and continued to rally, I had written four different eulogies after each dramatic rush to the hospital. This is known as anticipatory grief. I was consumed by guilt and relief with each episode.

In the Doula course, we studied Kubler-Ross’ landmark book On Death and Dying, focusing on the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Grieving is complicated, and loss — whether it’s a person, job, money, pet, youth, marriage, fertility, the planet, you name it — is about a relationship that identifies us.

As universal as grieving is, it is also individual and each of us adapts uniquely. There is no one-size-fits-all grieving process. It is not easy to put it behind me” or no time to get over it.” Or to deny feelings. They are there, somewhere inside. Denial can be seemingly comfortable, but in time, the truth helps us hear around a corner, where what’s next lives. 

I have found that ritual sometimes can be helpful to bridge the gap between what was to what is now and will be next. As a Jew in mourning, I wore a kriah, a piece of black ribbon that is cut or torn, a tangible symbol of loss and grief. I wore it at the end of my parents’ funerals and wore it when I was divorced in a religious ceremony. I also find crying is useful.

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A kriah