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Anxiety: Joyce Markovics Feels Its Claws

Anxiety: Joyce Markovics Feels Its Claws

You’d never know it, but my partner, Mr. Calm and Collected who’s adored by everyone, has an anxiety disorder. His sometimes crippling anxiety manifested when he was in high school and has been a loud, cruel companion for the more than two decades I’ve known him. In fact, getting to know — and love — him meant entering into a relationship with his anxiety and learning to understand, as best as I could, how obsessive thoughts infiltrate his mind. Not being a sufferer myself, I found it hard to comprehend how a small worry could transform into something catastrophic. Eventually, I leaned how to recognize it — to sniff it out.

At first, he didn’t want to talk about this internal battle; he wanted to shield me from his psychic shrapnel. But I felt the war raging inside him. At its worst, the anxiety, almost always triggered by work or financial stress, hijacked my husband’s mind and body. He once described the sensation as being like internal hooks tearing through his flesh. When the physical pain subsided, there was still mental pain and a kind of hyper-preoccupation that created a chasm between us. He would remain in its throes until the anxiety lifted — as if on its own. I comforted him the best I could. I encouraged him to talk. I tried to redirect his thoughts. I embraced him. Yet I never felt like I was doing enough. 

The real change came from him. With sheer determination, support from a cognitive behavioral therapist and the right medication, my husband fought to control his anxiety. And, over time, he succeeded. His anxiety is a part of him and will always be an occasional visitor. But he and I both know it won’t stay for long.